by Tommy Gunn (A real American trying out as a speech writer for the little Bush)

My fellow Americans:



As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed.

The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction

have been thoroughly covered in the press. A new Iraqi government

has been established and appears to be stable. Our mission in

Iraq is complete.



This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American

forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.





It is now time to begin the reckoning.



Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries

which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. The list

is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of

the countries listed there.



The other list contains most nations not on the first list and it also

includes some areas within our own country.



Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those

nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. Welfare checks

to all those in San Francisco will cease. Protest on your own dime. The

money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the

costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour

money into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders

grow fat on corruption.



Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

Together with Congress, I will work to re-direct this money toward

solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.



I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait,

Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations, Bosnia, South Korea

and every other nation that did not support us. Leave us alone. Solve

your own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany, France, Saudi

Arabia or Russia.



On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: Screw with us and we

will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from

the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? 

Try Israel, they live by an eye for an eye to the power of 7.



Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like

everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewelry during the

1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction 

of Israel. No way, Jose. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian 

Authority: Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta yer rectal orifice and work out a peace 

deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. You can go to Russia for 

negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.



I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with 

France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are 

retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.



I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many 

UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid 

tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. 

I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets 

tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to 

some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York!



A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are

going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might

want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2.

President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an

attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions

sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border

security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, the United

States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.



It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own

citizens. Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple

and direct: If you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as

your turn comes round. Some will accuse us of isolationism.

I answer them by saying "darn tootin'." Nearly a century of trying to

help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us

the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.



It is time to eliminated hunger in America. It is time to eliminate

homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer

from America. We will develop energy independence. We will restructure

our nation for its isolationist destiny.



Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The

First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun.

Laura and I have been talking about takin' one of those cruises up to

Alaska, to check on the new oil fields.



Personally, I could care less who gets elected in 2004. With 

isolationism, fascism isn't far behind. Hillary Clinton would be the perfect choice 

to run that form of government. She can appoint the editorial board of the New

York Times, the editor of the Los Angeles Time, the Sacramento Bee 

staff and the San Francisco Cronicle for group press secretary. That provide 

as much disinformation and this nation could possibly handle. Senator Byrd

can be Defense Secretary, bring Jimmie Carter back as ambassador to all

nations and Tom Daschle as Vice-President. If the American people are

stupid enough to elect any liberal to high office after their most 

interesting approach they displayed in backing their country during a war, they 

deserve everything they wish for.



And Hollywood, you thought I had forgot about you. Oh contre' The Corp 

of Engineers have informed me they have the technology to cut your little

pie out and float you out to sea so you can have your own nation to 

run. The level of intelligence you continue to display, will make out to make 

for an interesting governmental structure. Martin Sheen can still be a pretend

president, only now he can drown in his own bath water instead of just

drink it. Streisand, Clooney and the rest of the gang in their infinite 

wisdom should be able to lead the leadless just fine. Money with nothing to 

give it value, makes you just another bunch of hollow opinions. Enjoy the 

world you wished for.



To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.



To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks for your support

and a job well done. America will share their good fortune's with you.



God bless America.



Thank you and good night.